I’m not even quoting The Wizard with the above title; Steven Spielberg’s latest truly is a SpielBurger (sue me), and ten times as cheesy! How could such an accomplished director rip a story like a Ready Player One to shreds and think it worth watching?

Barely resembling the novel on which it is based, this movie is, to quote Bill S. Preston Esq. and “Ted” Theodore Logan, “bogus.” All the film noir-y elements and sense of mystery found in Ernest Cline’s text are gone in favor of explosions and brain-numbing spectacle. Further, nearly all the novel’s 80’s-centric references are eschewed in favor of modernisms — I never wanted to see Tracer from Overwatch or even the eponymous Iron Giant, who is from the year 1999! It is true that the screenplay was co-written by Cline, but he bears second credit to Zak Penn (late of The Incredible Hulk and The Avengers), who destroys the poignancy with the writer’s equivalent of an impact drill.

But you may be thinking that the actors will carry this film. Actors? PAH! The only real talent in this film is the wasted Ben Mendelsohn (Rogue One: A Star Wars Story) as a cut-and-dry villain and Mark Rylance (Dunkirk) serving again as Spielberg’s muse the way Christopher Lloyd was to Robert Zemeckis. Virtually (heh heh) everyone else is cast on how pretty they are — what is this, an ABC pilot?!

This isn’t Spielberg’s technological Gulliver’s Travels — it’s not even tantamount to TRON: Legacy! What it is is the ungodly fusion of Wreck-It Ralph and Spy Kids 3D: Game Over! One of the daftest adaptations this side of The Dark Tower! Read the book and skip this… or rather, fast-forward.

Rating: 0/5