I wasted $30 on this. I wanted it to be great; to spite the Disney haters, but this is not the movie that will save Disney’s profitability — this isn’t even the movie that, if released theatrically, would save theatergoing! Two simple words best describe the live-action remake of Mulan — hot and mess.

You know the story; it’s basically the same, but unlike last year’s take on Lady and the Tramp, there is no weight to this adaptation, and what is remembered from the original is done so haphazardly — stoic performances all around (even from the venerable Donnie Yen and Rosalind Chao), a garbage-tier script with additions and subtractions that make little to no sense (Mushu was incredible, but a shapeshifting witch wasn’t?!) and when references to the vastly superior animated original are made, they’re done as cringe-worthy lines from the songs (but spoken — remember, musicals are out of the question!) or as instrumental phrases from the songs. FAIL.

Director Niki Caro (Whale Rider) is the sole MVP of this mess, making a lush visual feast out of a trashcan playbook, but that’s no reason to watch this, much less pony up $30. Hey, Disney, you can’t coast on the glories of the past forever — you put that line in your next live-action remake, I sue.

First, a public service announcement — the pandemic sucks, but don’t be scared. It’s safe to go the the movies.

There’s been many demands for the eminent Christopher Nolan to be allowed a chance at directing a James Bond film, but for better or worse, he’s never been given the chance, so he’s done what every self-respecting spy movie-loving auteur should do — make one himself!

Taking time in his hands — literally — Nolan crafts a tale that is equal parts Casino Royale, The Terminator and, of course, his first masterpiece, Memento; that much I will say about the plot at hand — you’ll have to see it for yourself.

The performers are in as fine a form as they have ever been — John David Washington (BlackKklansman) is great as the story’s man with no name, equal parts Daniel Craig’s 007 and his father’s performance in The Magnificent Seven. Robert Pattinson (The Batman) has truly overcome his pseudo-stardom brought about by the Twilight franchise and as The Protagonist’s ally, Neil, is suave and tough while not appearing campy. Sir Kenneth Branagh (Death on the Nile), as the film’s nihilistic antagonist Andrei Sator, is genuinely horrifying — moreso than his performance in Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit. Sator is a villain that will cut off your head and piss down your neck. The real lynchpin in this equation is the vastly underrated Elizabeth Debicki (Guardians of the Galaxy: Vol. 2) as the lonely Katherine — fair skinned and flaxen-haired and trapped in a painful situation that others would sooner commit suicide to get out of.

Beautifully photographed, as always, on 70MM stock, this is a visual five-course dinner from DP Hoyte Van Hoytema (Spectre), just below Interstellar in scope but above Dunkirk in the realm of amazement. Oscar-winning composer Ludwig Göransson (The Mandalorian) takes up where Nolan regular Hans Zimmer left off with a rollicking score that brings to mind the work of Tom Tykwer, Reinhold Heil and Johnny Klimek on Cloud Atlas, not once feeling like an imitation of Zimmer.

While it won’t quite scratch the itch of those looking for a Christopher Nolan-directed 007 film, Tenet is still a damn fine movie that may well save the cinemagoing experience as we know it — it begs to be seen in the biggest screen available to you. As the marketing reminds us, time runs out — don’t wait for the Blu-ray.

…or, “Bloodlust in the Dust.”

I didn’t stay past the Intermission for the 70mm Edition of The Hateful Eight, and with good reason, too. I went primarily out of curiosity, to see what all the hubbub was regarding a 70mm presentation and if the film was a definite awards contender.

To cut to the chase, Quentin Tarantino has proven himself to be far less than a film director — he’s this generation’s far more racist D.W. Griffith. The script is soused with the N-bomb, and just because Samuel L. Jackson’s character allows it doesn’t make it any better, nor does its use make Tarantino a grittier, “realistic” auteur. At one point, Jackson’s character takes great delight in telling a Confederate general of the vulgar way he killed his son (and forced him to perform fellatio), all while the Christmas carol “Silent Night” plays on an out-of-tune piano in the background. It may seem satisfying to some, seeing a post-civil war black man enacting vengeance, but the fact is that racism is racism any way it is performed; I don’t care who got hurt first, and also, you must surely admit that playing “Silent Night” while the audience bears witness to murder and oral sex is tasteless as can be.

Tarantino doesn’t even make use of the 70mm format. By his own admission, he was inspired to shoot the film in 70mm when he saw the chariot race in Ben-Hur, but there is no sequence tantamount in majesty to that; there isn’t a single added benefit to seeing it in its roadshow release beyond the fact that you get to use the bathroom after two hours.

From a director who decries cops as murderers, I think Tarantino should take a good look in the mirror, because with a film like this under his belt, he is bad as the men and women he vilifies. Skip it.

Beat THIS, Epic Mickey!

As Walt Disney Pictures keeps milking the Pirates of the Caribbean movie franchise for all its worth and sitting on Guillermo Del Toro’s remake of The Haunted Mansion, they ought to take a cue from their own Marvel Comics and their “Disney Kingdoms” line. Based on characters and mythologies from beloved Disney Parks attractions, the newest of the pack is of Walt Disney World’s own Dreamfinder and Figment, which has just finished its five-episode story arc.

Figment, as it is known, begins at the Academy Scientifica-Lucidus, in London at the turn of the century, where inventor Blarion “Blair” Mercurial is under great duress to find a new source of energy, as per the instructions of the Academy’s Chairman. Looking far beyond, Blair seeks to conjure the energy of the brain and its thoughts, which, when tested, leads to the creation of a dragon called Figment, and that is just the start of the journey into imagination!

Written by Jim Zub (Wayward, Skullkickers) and illustrated by Filipe Andrade & Jean-Francois Beaulieu, Figment is a feast both visual and verbal, with gorgeous landscapes and action abound, suggesting the work of the Disney Animators of years past, and dialogue as rich with happiness and pathos as the finest wine — this is a story that embodies the spirit of Walt Disney and his vision. My only gripe with the story is that the resolution in issues 4 and 5 comes about all too fast. It’s not to say that the issues needed to be bulkier, but this could very easily have been stretched out over the course of ten issues, perhaps more. There is, as always, the chance for a sequel series, or even a film adaptation, to expound upon the nuances made by the characters and, by association, the good Mr. Zub, but this reviewer is content with the story as it is, and it gets my highest marks for a current age comic.

Rating: 5/5

The Creative Brain Freeze behind “Frozen”

Fact: A Disney animated movie is NOT a classic until it has completed the three following tasks:

A) Made a ton of cash,

B) Won at least one Academy Award, and

C) Stood the test of ten years (i.e.: The Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast, The Lion King, etc.)

With that in mind, I have no idea why Disney is already releasing a TV special on Frozen, which proclaims it as a classic already. Heck, it should have been broadcast in promotion of its theatrical run late last year.

Sidenote: IMAX really is the best way to see it!

It’s been a long time since Hollywood trusted audiences to go beyond the stars for a fantasy film, and Guardians of the Galaxy delivers on almost every level possible.

If you don’t know the story already, watch this teaser trailer for a rough idea, which is really all you need (and all you should see before going).

Chris Pratt (Zero Dark Thirty, The LEGO Movie) gives a great performance as Peter Quill, alias Star-Lord, a Terran (Earthling) who is brash, smug and utterly charming, but he also embodies the necessary quality of pain and longing, what with Quill having been abducted as a child by a rogue group of bounty hunters led by the blue-skinned Yondu (Michael Rooker, The Walking Dead).

The last time I saw an athlete give a great performance in film, it was Quinton “Rampage” Jackson in 2010’s The A-Team. Four long years have passed, and Dave Bautista, a UFC fighter turned actor, is absolutely wondrous as Drax, a grey-skinned, red-tatooed warrior who speaks like a dictionary and can’t grasp the concept of metaphors. Sounds a lot like me. I like him a lot.

Equally wondrous is the vocal force of nature, Bradley Cooper (Silver Linings Playbook) as Rocket, the noted raccoon of the story, whose anger at life belies his friendship with his comrades. In this reviewer’s eyes, Cooper portrays Rocket as equal parts Calvin (as in, and Hobbes) and Gene Wilder in The Adventure of Sherlock Holmes’ Smarter Brother – quick to berate others for their shortcomings and mistakes, but ashamed of his own way of life.

Zoe Saldana (Star Trek Into Darkness) is as bold and smooth as dark roast coffee with extra half-and-half as Gamora, a master-class assassin who betrays her father and her employer in her search for freedom. Last and certainly the least* is Vin Diesel (Riddick) as the gentle green giant, Groot. With three-plus lines, Diesel makes the most of what he can with his work, and because of it, I’ve never wanted to hug a tree more than now.

Not all the performances are great, mind. Certainly they all shine, but they don’t gleam in unison. While he is commanding in his role of Ronan, Lee Pace brings a bit too much of Thranduil, his character from The Hobbit trilogy, into the blue-skinned xenocidal maniac — he’s basically a dark Thranduil, albeit with different origins. Speaking of blue people, Michael Rooker is basically doing an R. Lee Ermey impersonation as Yondu — usually yelling his lines, though at the appropriate moments. The problem is that he is given so much angry material, it’s hard to appreciate his performance. He does, however, have one hell of a gag involving whistling.

Easily the weakest links in the film are Djimon Hounsou (Blood Diamond) as Ronan’s military advisor, Korath, and Karen Gillan (Doctor Who) as Gamora’s sister, Nebula. As far as I could tell, Hounsou plays a lackey to Ronan with a gun and a mechanical eye. Gillan, yet another blue addition to the main cast, plays the one-note villain method; she is pissed throughout most of the film, and never exhibits humility at moments that could need it.

Of course, the real star of the show is director and co-writer James Gunn (Slither), who establishes both a cosmic level to the Marvel Cinematic Universe and his own identity in mainstream film. Let’s face it, it has been a long time since Hollywood studios have allowed a new space fantasy film (i.e.: not Trek or the Wars) out into the wild, and Gunn hauls out all that he can muster to the film — classic space battles, characters (mostly) with humility and depth, pitch-perfect use of the IMAX aspect ratio and the requisite nostalgia in bringing a film of this caliber back to life. Despite a set of villains that falter in quality compared to the heroes, Guardians is a gorgeous force to be reckoned with. If you’re one of the twenty people in the world who has not yet seen this movie, please log off and do that right now!

*just kidding, Vin

Rating: 4.5/5

It seems like the U.K. and Europe always get the better posters. #FWP

To call Maleficent a remake of Sleeping Beauty is something of a misnomer. The film is obviously indebted to the existence of Walt Disney’s 1959 animated classic, but Maleficent does not play slave to its source material, nor does it defecate on its ancestor. Rather, it tells a new story that, for better or worse, will require audiences to almost entirely forget (for a well-paced hour and thirty-eight minutes) about the studio’s past efforts. That being said, the ride is a glorious one to take, with brilliant environments all around that range from austere to awe-inspiring, well-played performances and a script that, while imperfect, leaves you feeling warm and fuzzy inside.

The film tells the story of (wait for it) Maleficent, queen over a land of fairies known as The Moors and brought to villainy by her first love, the urchin Stefan, whose lust for power betrayed her. Years later, Stefan, now King, has a child, the Princess Aurora, whom Maleficent curses at her christening to fall into eternal sleep at age sixteen, awoken only by true love’s kiss — something that Maleficent believes to be a lie. Years pass, and Aurora grows curious, and even fond, of the fallen fairy that has been watching her intently for sixteen years. Could love have finally broken the barrier in Maleficent’s heart?

The film’s scribe, Linda Woolverton, famed for writing Beauty and the Beast and co-authoring The Lion King, was also the writer of one of my least favorite films of all time — the 2010 remake of Alice in Wonderland, which made little of an attempt to make sense and infuriated me as a viewer. With Maleficent, Woolverton makes a glorious story of betrayal and redemption that hearkens back to the days of the Disney Animation Renaissance. That being said, some parts come to mind as being underdeveloped or unexplained. Why, for instance, does King Stefan turn on Maleficent for the sake of power? We understand that he is orphaned and poor as a child, but one would think that would only bring him closer to the companionship of Maleficent, also an orphan, but among the riches of friends, which Stefan certainly desired (However, had he stayed, it certainly would have been a very short film!). Also, why are objects made of iron harmful to fairies? There’s no explanation given. Still this is a return to grace for Woolverton, one that is only helped by the presence of Disney legend Don Hahn as executive producer, whose eye for quality kept the studio’s animation division sharp from Beauty and the Beast through Atlantis: The Lost Empire.

Leading the cast is Angelina Jolie, who thankfully doesn’t play up the grandiose aspect of the title character, nor does she stoop to caricature of Eleanor Audley, the voice of Maleficent in Sleeping Beauty (though, at times, her voice is a dead ringer.). Jolie makes Maleficent her own, as she should be in context with the script — misled, abused and mocked by the friend she loved so, and just as focused on vengeance as she is on her mortification. Elle Fanning as the grown Princess Aurora shows a kind and naïve wonder that exudes the necessary beauty that the character is famed for, and truly appears saddened when the truth meets her eyes. Sam Reilly (On the Road) portrays Diaval, Maleficent’s raven servant who is given the ability to shapeshift on his mistress’ command. Reilly is given a decent character with some less than great dialogue and does his best with it, and truly, the story would be boring without him.

Imelda Staunton, Lesley Manville and Juno Temple play the Three Good Fairies, known respectively in this film as Knotgrass, Flittle and Thistlewit. They ham up the camp factor a little too much, coming off as cloying and somewhat annoying, with not much of a purpose other than caring for Aurora in her youth. A similar gripe I have with the characters, albeit on a technical level, is how their human-sized selves are live-action while their small, fairy-sized selves are computer animated in motion capture. I can’t see what would have been wrong with face-mapping a filmed performance, and the contrast between sized performances is quite distracting, though livable. Sharlto Copley, of District 9 fame, plays King Stefan as a monarch that grows progressively less merciful as the film goes on, which works fairly well, but I still feel his turn to evil is too sharp to be entirely believable. Perhaps some of the fault goes on him as well as the script, but by the time of the film’s climax, the audience should hate Stefan to the core, and that’s exactly what I did.

The film is directed by freshman helmer Robert Stromberg, a two-time Academy Award winner for Best Art Direction, who brings the visual palette he used on similar films such as Alice in Wonderland (2010) and Oz the Great and Powerful to bring the gorgeous environments of Maleficent to life — make no mistake, this film is a visual feast, which is also thanks to renowned makeup artist Rick Baker (How the Grinch Stole Christmas, The Wolfman) and award-winning cinematographer Dean Semler (Dances with Wolves), who craft not just a beautiful picture, but a most enjoyable one.

With a little bit of luck, Maleficent will hold well in the minds of those who see it, and its presentation of evil’s redemption will bring warmth into their hearts.

Rating: 3.5/5

(SIDENOTE: Depending on your theater’s trend of 3D presentations, you might want to avoid seeing the 3D version. The conversion is spectacular, but the dimness of the image with glasses can travesty the film, which has a lot of night shots. Basically, pay extra at your own risk.)