SPOILERS

Ohh, geez… what happened here? What were y’all thinking? I don’t even have the energy to be mad at this one; I barely have the energy to write — this is decidedly not good. If this were Spider-Man fanfiction, I’d say it was the best ever put to paper, but as an official movie from Marvel Studios? Not. Gonna. Cut. It.

A la my bullet point review of Captain America: Civil War, I’mma give this movie the same bewitched, bothered and bewildered treatment.

• Who approved this script and are they still employed by Sony or Marvel?
• Did we really need a Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue recreation for a movie of this caliber?
• Why erase everyone’s memory of Peter Parker at the end if you’re trying to extend Tom Holland’s contract?
• In fact, Holland patently wants out — why not kill his Spidey? Woke folk are chomping at the bit to see Miles Morales make his live-action debut.
• How come Peter doesn’t get to go to college after said erasure? A GED for a kid as smart as him? Pah.
• Doctor Strange, you’re a selfish coward. You should have sacrificed your legacy instead of an eighteen year-old kid’s.
• Hi, Thomas Haden Church! Bye, Thomas Haden Church!
• This movie treats the audience almost the way Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End did… or, you know, Spider-Man 3.
• Hi, Rhys Ifans! Bye, Rhys Ifans!
• Where’s Kirsten Dunst? I’d like to see some proof to Tobey’s claims!
• Sony proudly recycles on their film sets, which explains why Norman Osborn is who he is in this movie.

As I said of Edgar Wright’s The World’s End, I have no idea what movie the critics saw, but judging by their gushy reviews, I’m willing to bet LSD was involved.